The Fermi Paradox: Solved

The Fermi Paradox: Solved

I dig the trailer for “Batman v Superman.” I like the idea of Affleck’s Batman. This version intrigues me. It was this interest (and also somehow hearing the “Man of Steel” theme music on a Spotify playlist while listening to “Black Flag” sea shanties) that made me rewatch “Man of Steel.” And Holy Human Pressure Cookers, I Never Noticed This One Really Awful Thing Superman Did (- which would have totally been my clickbait title for this post) in that movie.


Shh. Shh. Shhhhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhh. – Shut up.

That’s not what I’m leading up to here. Get it right out of your head.

But for the record, I liked that part. If his act of murder (justified or not) or his complete lack of initiative when it came to protecting civilians are at all mentioned in the second movie, then – BAM! – Superman gets a character arc. – Something he’s never had before.

He can save all of us.

“You can save all of them.”

I enjoy “Man of Steel” for what it is; “cape acting,” “Snyder-vision” and all. I regard its stylized, heightened reality in the same fashion as DC’s animated movies. Characters are either archetypal wooden statues or absolute cartoons, the action is bombastic, the story is thin and the plot is thick with melodrama. But they’re still really fun and usually offer an interesting or (or at least different) take on their characters.

Most importantly, each animated film tends to tap into at least one intrinsic quality of each character. Superman, for a completely random example, is most often defined by his his overall unwavering… goodness. His truthiness. His Justice-y-ness. His boyish, midwestern charm. This big. Blue. Boy Scout (… though oddly, it’s Batman who’s always prepared).

Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan decided to just go full on savior complex/ Christ figure with Big Blue. Yes, that’s totally a way to go with the character and I kind of look forward to seeing how that angle develops in “Dawn of Justice.” Though the metaphors get a little muddy at times. Superman is Faith. The Kryptonians are Science. Superman defeats the Kryptonians by putting his Faith in humanity… and then also defeats them with Science… I guess? Whatever. Close enough.

I just never realized before what a genocidal maniac Jesus must be?

Neck Snap

“There, that should be all of them.”

Yes. Superman kills Zod. Maybe half of the internet forgives him for that. It’s been argued.

He also kills(?), Phantom Zones(?) the other Kryptonians. I guess most everyone forgives him for that.

But just prior to Lois’s and Dr. Hamilton’s Science went off absolutely hitchless, and just after he managed to destroy the “World Engine,” Superman flew halfway around the world, crashed into the cockpit of the ship Zod was flying and saved the day. How did he save the day, you ask? Well, he was really pissed at Zod for slapping Ma Kent around earlier and his eyes were all red-glowy. Then Zod shouted, “If you destroy this ship, you destroy Krypton!” To which – like a total badass – Superman defiantly replied, “Krypton had its chance!” Then he proceeded to murder tens to hundreds of thousands of innocent children.

Krypton had its chance

No more babies!

“You’re pro-choice, man. I get it. But this is a bit much,” I said to the Superman on my TV. I also said, “Hah. Superpro-choiceman. Get it?” That second one was less funny.

See, what had happened was – The ship Zod was flying that Superman destroyed with eye-lazzers was the same ship that Superman had found in the arctic. The one, within which he met Jor-El 6.7. The ship that housed an entire Genesis Chamber.

DCcinematicuniverse (dot) wikia (dot) com describes a Genesis Chamber as “a Kryptonian chamber that contained the embryos of genetically engineered future children of Krypton.” Superman’s Ghost Dad said as much. That’s kiiiiiinda what Zod meant with his whole, you’ll destroy Krypton nonsense. Each pod in that chamber held the hopes and dreams of an entire multi-planet-spanning civilization – a dream shared by Kal’s own mother and father. A dream that he would one day bridge the gap between humans and Kryptonians. And… and… he fucking destroyed it.

Our Jesus stand-in just gave the mother of all abortions to his own endangered species. How is this not front page material at the Daily Planet?

So, there we have it – the answer to the Fermi Paradox – Superman killed all the aliens. He knew exactly what he was doing and he meant to do it. I wanna see Batfleck call him on this one.

What babies?

What babies? Where?

What I’m saying is that Superman is the super-villain in this movie. He is born under culturally abhorrent circumstances (he’s a monster), is raised to believe that the world will fear, hate and reject him (is pathologically broken), and – by the film’s climax – is bent on the wanton destruction of the Kryptonian people. And this movie ends with Clark Kent riding his bicycle, sunlight in his face and an adorably wry smile on his lips? No child is safe from this demon.

Over the course of this movie, Superman allows his adopted father to die, destroys some redneck’s truck (and probably his only means of supporting his family), starts the fight with Zod by blowing up a gas station (during business hours no less) and wipes out any and every trace of Kryptonian life on Earth – thereby destroying that “hope” so accurately symbolized by the sigil of the house of El.

I’d sooner bend the knee to Zod. He symbolizes hope for Krypton. He only ever even turns against I WILL FIND HIMhumanity after he peers into the mind of our favorite psychopath in blue tights (or after mistakenly believing that Houston is an accurate representation of humanity). Who could blame him? This is what humanity turned Zod’s oldest friend’s child in to? I’m sure that if Zod had deemed Kal-El to be some sort of decent and worthy person, he may have decided to live in peace with humanity. Or find some other planet to go colonize with his spaceships… I mean, Zod’s the kind of guy who promises a grieving widow that he’ll find her lost child. And he keeps that promise.

Kneel before Zod. For the children.