Nerding Out On… Being Quite Frank
I don’t know how to say this, but quite frankly… Oh. Sorry. Did you expect something awesome to follow? You must have. Because quite frankly, “quite frankly” is the greatest way to start a sentence of all time.
The origins of “quite frankly” are still unclear. Many scholars believe a man named Frank once existed who was arguably the biggest asshole to ever walk the Earth. For years, Frank would roam the streets – kicking small animals, stealing candy from babies, and asking women if they had gained weight since he last saw them. Over time, the local townspeople began to use his name to let others know when they were being a dick.
“I know her baby is ugly, but you shouldn’t tell her that. That’s quite Frank of you.”
Today, “quite frankly” has evolved into the ultimate argument introduction. It is the verbal equivalent of cocking a gun. If someone starts off by saying “quite frankly”, brace yourself, because some serious shit is about to go down. It’s letting someone know that you have something to say – and it’s probably going to be borderline insane – but you need to listen or there will be consequences.
“Quite frankly, I’m sick of your dog constantly pissing on my lawn – and if I see him do it again, quite frankly, I’m going to unleash the fiery wrath of a thousand angry gods on both him and you. Now go away. And leave your wallet… and your dignity.”
That’s right. Twice in one sentence. This person means business. If someone said that to me, I would lock up my dog and put on a new pair of underpants. That’s how badass the phrase is. Now, if they had said something like, “with all due respect” instead, that dog would still be downing bowlfuls of water and pissing all over the place.
I’m pretty sure everyone understands the magnitude of “quite frankly”, and because of that no one ever uses the phrase for mundane nonsense:
“Quite frankly, I think canned peaches are better than fresh.”
You’ll never hear someone say that. Well, at least not unless someone was saying that to a peach farmer. And followed it up by cracking the farmer’s skull with a can of peaches. And then maybe opened the can and ate them in front of the farmer. And then the camera would get in really tight to the guy’s face and he would say something like:
“Those who CAN, do. Those who CAN’T… die.”
Alright, I need to stop writing this to get back to my screenplay – “Peaches and Mean: Quite Frankly, the Greatest Movie You’ll Ever See”.